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Vacation.

22 Sep

Cognitive behavioural therapy helps people correct negative thought patterns and better adapt to the world around them.

Quick, run out into a highly populated area and grab the closest stranger to you. You’ve got a “one in five” chance of grabbing a very depressed person.

I, a human being of the planet Earth do not agree with that percentage in the least (because I have eyes and ears, I don’t know about you). I’m aiming a bit higher, let’s say one in three at least. Anyway the point is that out of five very depressed people one of them apparently wants to end their life, or at least that’s what Ashley told me over the summer of 2003.

It’s a memorable summer mainly because two people I love snuffed it and I was entering my junior year of High School. Life moves on whether you’re ready or not and in no time I was too busy to reflect. Depression and suicide statistics were a distant memory and things were going well. Then they found her in a tree, and boom, Ashley  became the statistics she always spoke  of. I’ve often thought she might have chosen hanging not because it was easy (it isn’t) but because the statistics of hangings in America have dropped rapidly over the last twenty-five years.

So here’s to you Ashley. I’ve kept my promise, kept going this long. “Stick around till the good parts are gone”.

A response to 93%

25 Aug

93% is not the percentage of things I am neither sure or unsure about.

It is the percentage of overall star dust that makes up the human body.

And now you know! :D

Thank you to:

  • Raquel Gomez
  • Taylor Wilson
  • Marcus Hattes
  • Amber Jones
  • Olivia Hersey

You’re up lifting and fascinating comments are greatly valued. And thank you to all of my subscribers for keeping me on track when I slack off and the to anonymous buyers of my hipster Tees, more to come I assure you!

Less Than Three,

Ade

93%

18 Aug

Thinking back I can’t recall a time after the divorce that I was ever 100% sure of anything.

I knew we were in trouble when Dad packed us cold toast for lunch, I wasn’t sure I’d ever see jam again. I’d watch TV and wonder if Batman would win this round, would the Fraggles continue to fuck with the Dozers, would Starsky ever let me ride in the Torino, could I be his girlfriend? I knew things we’re utterly different when I heard my Dad, locked away in his room, weep from the weight of it all. Would any of us smile?

I spent every day from the moment it all changed holding everything close to my heart, smiling, and making promises that everything would turn out because it had to. It always did, but this time I wasn’t sure.

I played mommy to the baby, and a crutch to my devastated father, blinded by grief. I learned to smile when talked to, lying became second nature. I understood quickly that my strength in the face of so much would be what brought us all through to the other side.

Natural creative instincts helped me concocted the  person for the job and by seventh grade she was perfectly crafted. A strong, sarcastic, opinionated and bold girl. No one messed with her, she wasn’t bullied she wasn’t bothered. Did people actually like her? She wasn’t sure.

Highschool brought an active social life. Many surface friends, a few closer and lots of events. In her circle she was successfully part of the social elite. With most events involving her plans, her home or her approval.

She was the perfect girl for the job. Survival Girl, Grandfather dies? Bring it! Uncle dies? Let’s do this. This was what she was made for. Nothing and no one could get through her. I was sure.

But then nothing happened. She waited and nothing happened at all. Survival Girl needed a crisis! After all, that’s who she is, why she exists…Now what?

Survival Girl was bored, tried making up reasons to exist before I realised she wasn’t needed and then start to remember who I actually am. Oh no!  Who am I?

I’m not sure.

wiseguyWEDNESDAY

28 Apr

Today we’re featuring Sir Isaac Newton and his heretic ways! WOOOH!

So along with being on the absolute top of scientific knowledge and discovery to this day and being only likened to everyone’s favorite mathematician Albert Einstein, Isaac was how should I put it? Oh, that’s right. Stark raving mad. Now I know every genius that ever walked this planet had a “thing”, Van Gough had his cousin/manic depression, and Mozart had family issues (to say the least). But Issac had a bit of an obsession with Gods coded message in the bible concerning the Apocalypse. Yeah that’s right, Mr. Newton was a closet Christian fanatic. He spent the better part of his career secretly discovering the date of the end of days. He died never telling a documented soul about his discovery, experts are convinced he meant for our generation to find his secret work and prepare ourselves for the end of time which Newton predicted would be approximately 2060. So now if we survive 2012, we get to worry for another 58 years about the possible end of our existence as the unwashed unsaved and down right asshole masses.

I’m rooting on 1012.

N. Bonaparte

23 Apr

Bonaparte: Alone I am in this sequestered spot, not overheard.
Echo: Heard.
Bonaparte: ‘Sdeath! Who answers me? What being is there nigh?
Echo: I.
Bonaparte: Now I guess! To report my accents Echo has made her task.
Echo: Ask.
Bonaparte: Knowest thou whether London will henceforth continue to resist?
Echo: Resist.
Bonaparte: Whether Vienna and other courts will oppose me always?
Echo: Always.
Bonaparte: O, Heaven! what must I expect after so many reverses?
Echo: Reverses.
Bonaparte: What! should I, like a coward vile, to compound be reduced?
Echo: Reduced.
Bonaparte: After so many bright exploits be forced to restitution?
Echo: Restitution.
Bonaparte: Restitution of what I’ve got by true heroic feats and martial address?
Echo: Yes.
Bonaparte: What will be the fate of so much toil and trouble?
Echo: Trouble.
Bonaparte: What will become of my people, already too unhappy?
Echo: Happy.
Bonaparte: What should I then be that I think myself immortal?
Echo: Mortal.
Bonaparte: The whole world is filled with the glory of my name, you know.
Echo: No.
Bonaparte: Formerly its fame struck this vast globe with terror.
Echo: Error.
Bonaparte: Sad Echo, begone! I grow infuriate! I die!
Echo: Die!

It’s said that the Nuremberg bookseller who penned this clever bit of sedition was court-martialed and shot in 1807. Napoleon later said, “I believe he met with a fair trial.”

WiseguyWEDNESDAY

21 Apr

Ernest Thompson Seton (1860–1946) loved nature and loved God — so in a 1907 book he tried to prove that animals follow the 10 commandments:

  • Thou shalt not steal: “A stick found in the woods is the property of the Rook that discovers it, and doubly his when he has labored to bring it to his nest. This is recognized law.”
  • Thou shalt not kill: “New born Rattlesnakes will strike instantly at a stranger of any other species, but never at one of their own.”
  • Honor thy father and mother: “A Hen sets out with her Chickens a-foraging; one loiters, does not hasten up at her ‘cluck cluck’ of invitation and command; consequently he gets lost and dies.”
  • Thou shalt not commit adultery: “The promiscuous animals to-day–the Northwestern Rabbit and the Voles–are high in the scale of fecundity, low in the scale of general development, and are periodically scourged by epidemic plagues.”
  • Thou shalt not bear false witness: “Oftentimes a very young Hound will jump at a conclusion, think, or hope, he has the trail, then allowing his enthusiasm to carry him away, give the first tongue, shouting in Hound language, ‘Trail!’ The other Hounds run to this, but if a careful examination shows that he was wrong, the announcer suffers in the opinion of the pack, and after a few such blunders, that individual is entirely discredited.”
  • Thou shalt not covet: “A Hen had made a nest in a certain place, and was already sitting. Later another Hen, desiring the same nest, took possession several times during the owner’s brief absence, adding some of her own eggs, and endeavoring to sit. The result was a state of war, and the eggs of both Hens were destroyed.”

Actually, he runs out of gas here — Seton was unable to convince even himself that animals avoid making graven images, swearing, or working on Sunday. So he concludes The Natural History of the Ten Commandments by deciding that “Man is concerned with all” the commandments, “the animals only with the last six.”

Do you know this man?

16 Apr

Well you bloody well should!

“Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It’s not.”

That’s right my lovelies its beloved childrens book author and modern saint Theodor Seuss Geisel or as you know him Dr. Seuss.

Mr. Geisel the author has been a very quotable man within his work but we the dirty masses know not nearly enough about the man behind such wonderful words as “You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself, any direction you choose” or All alone! Whether you like it or not, alone is something you’ll be quite a lot”.

He spoke such important truths to children through his color blocked ink scrawlings. When I meet someone who seems to be acting rude for no reason I often wonder if they were read Dr. Seuss stories, I doubt it.

So I suggest dear reader that you take the time to learn a little about Theo and his life, pay a little homage to a man who tried to teach generations what it means to live.