93%

18 Aug

Thinking back I can’t recall a time after the divorce that I was ever 100% sure of anything.

I knew we were in trouble when Dad packed us cold toast for lunch, I wasn’t sure I’d ever see jam again. I’d watch TV and wonder if Batman would win this round, would the Fraggles continue to fuck with the Dozers, would Starsky ever let me ride in the Torino, could I be his girlfriend? I knew things we’re utterly different when I heard my Dad, locked away in his room, weep from the weight of it all. Would any of us smile?

I spent every day from the moment it all changed holding everything close to my heart, smiling, and making promises that everything would turn out because it had to. It always did, but this time I wasn’t sure.

I played mommy to the baby, and a crutch to my devastated father, blinded by grief. I learned to smile when talked to, lying became second nature. I understood quickly that my strength in the face of so much would be what brought us all through to the other side.

Natural creative instincts helped me concocted the  person for the job and by seventh grade she was perfectly crafted. A strong, sarcastic, opinionated and bold girl. No one messed with her, she wasn’t bullied she wasn’t bothered. Did people actually like her? She wasn’t sure.

Highschool brought an active social life. Many surface friends, a few closer and lots of events. In her circle she was successfully part of the social elite. With most events involving her plans, her home or her approval.

She was the perfect girl for the job. Survival Girl, Grandfather dies? Bring it! Uncle dies? Let’s do this. This was what she was made for. Nothing and no one could get through her. I was sure.

But then nothing happened. She waited and nothing happened at all. Survival Girl needed a crisis! After all, that’s who she is, why she exists…Now what?

Survival Girl was bored, tried making up reasons to exist before I realised she wasn’t needed and then start to remember who I actually am. Oh no!  Who am I?

I’m not sure.

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10 Responses to “93%”

  1. Raquel Gomez August 18, 2010 at 4:33 AM #

    Very riveting. I am sure SurvivorGirl will be okay.

    • onbey August 18, 2010 at 4:17 PM #

      I am hoping she and I will go our own ways. Thank you for the comment :)

  2. Anonymous August 22, 2010 at 3:48 AM #

    Survival girl was wrought from circumstances as you’ve explained in the above. Had they had been any different, would she have been molded into something from the polar opposite end of the spectrum? Maybe the characteristics of survival girl had always resided within the girl herself, but were just smaller attributes amplified by choice when she felt the need to defend herself. If survival girl stopped feeling like she had to be working on the defensive all the time, maybe she would be able to see if this persona is a defense mechanism or who she really is. No doubt, it’s a part of who she is now, you can’t take bak the past…but though you have no control over that you have control to an extent over your future. What are you planning on doing with that, Survival girl?

    • onbey August 22, 2010 at 8:12 PM #

      I really don’t have anything nice to reply to this, I don’t want to be rude so I wont say any more than this: Thank you for the comment.

  3. quoth_the_ravyn@hotmail.com August 22, 2010 at 3:49 AM #

    Oh, btw, that last paragraph of a comment was from me…Taylor! I’m aware now that I forgot to put in my e-mail with it. Good luck, Survival girl! <3

  4. quoth_the_ravyn@hotmail.com August 22, 2010 at 3:59 AM #

    Crap in a hat! It would seem it didn’t go through as I didn’t post my e-mail. Well here goes take two…rolling.
    Survival girlwas wrought from circumstances as you made clear in the above paragraph. So, if things had been different for her, if she would have been dealt a completely different hand, do you think she would have ended up somewhere on the polar opposite end of the personality spectrum? Maybe these attributes Survival Girl melded to herself were always within her, comprising part of who she was, but not as dominant until she made them so. And most importantly…if Survival Girl stopped feeling like she always had to be on the defensive, would she find out more of who she really is? Is she willing to try it? Is she scared to? It’s not too late, Survival Girl. It’s not too late, Adrienne.

    • onbey August 22, 2010 at 8:11 PM #

      It did go through, miss repeat herself.

  5. quoth_the_ravyn@hotmail.com August 22, 2010 at 10:01 PM #

    I didn’t realize it went through the first time, otherwise, I wouldn’t have bothered with typing a second. The one I wrote without typing in my e-mail address didn’t immediately show up, so I just assumed it never made it. Check your e-mail.

    • onbey August 23, 2010 at 6:14 PM #

      Ha ha I figured, I was only teasing with the “miss repeat herself” remark.

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